I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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