Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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