Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I understand Curling. That high.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
