I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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