I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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