I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
