Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize