I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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