i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
