His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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