I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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