I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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