i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i think i have two assholes
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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