I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
