why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
