So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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