if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i wish my penis had a tongue
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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