Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Randomize