i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize