The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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