I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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