Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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