My room smells like vodka and shame
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
