My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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