Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize
