I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
