I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
