You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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