i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
