Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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