Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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