Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Randomize
