Who wears a wallet chain?!
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
you had me at cake vodka
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize