I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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