I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
