I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
