I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
