listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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