So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
