Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
My ass is underappreciated
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
