my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
