I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Boobs speak an international language.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Randomize
