is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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