i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He passed out mid-signature
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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