I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
