Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
