Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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