he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
how drunk are you?
Several
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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