from now on my penis is your penis
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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