Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
