I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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