I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
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