everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize