Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
