So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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