just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
