How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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