just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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